How to Coparent Better
Coparenting after a failed relationship is hard. Even when separations are fairly amicable, situations can happen that can cause conflict between the two of you. You don’t have to agree with your ex, or even like them, but you do have to put aside the rough feelings and respect the other parent. Whether you’ve parented together in your relationship, you were the primary caregiver, or you were the parent working outside the home for long hours, each of deserve to develop your own relationship with your children separate and apart from the other.
Regardless of how you feel about your ex, there are things you can do to make things easier for your kids.
1. Understand What You Can and Can’t Control
Things You Can Control
- How and when you communicate or have contact with your coparent
- What you do with the kiddos during your parenting time
- Your time, energy, and emotions
- How you set up or maintain your home, what and when you eat, routines, structure, and how you like to live
- Basically your entire life as long as it does not interfere with the other parent or their parenting time
- When and how to start dating again
Things You Can’t Control
- What your coparent does with the children during their parenting time
- How your coparent chooses to live, what they feed the kiddos, their structure, routine, or values
- Your coparent’s choices about dating, entering a new relationship and with whom
- How your parent communicates with you (Omg, so hard! But your boundaries will really help here.)
2: Treat Your Ex Like You Would a Coworker
You and your ex are in the business of raising children together. The business plan is to raise healthy, resilient, and happy children. That doesn’t happen when the business partners are at war.
If things are difficult between the two of you, try different “business models” or ways to work better together. Some ideas to consider”
- Use a Parenting App: Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents allow you to upload kids’ schedules, share information, and communicate outside of emails and text messages. If you’re avoiding talking to your ex, or you’re overwhelmed with the volume of information, or things get out of control in texts, one of the parenting apps can be a deal breaker in sharing information with less conflict
- Communicate Like Messages Will Be Read in Court: Because they can and will be. I’ve read far too many communications that escalate out of control and make things worse. Parents lose sight of what the kids need when parents engage in emotional, threating, or accusatory messages. Communicate politely and respectfully. And use that parenting app.
- Think Best Interests of the Children: Sometimes parents get so caught up in proving that they’re right, that they’re the most important or the best parent, they forget that the point is to keep focused on what kids need. Not that you don’t matter. But they matter more.
- Speak Kindly About The Other Parent: Unless you are alone in the house, or out with a supportive friend, keep your negative feelings and story telling to yourself. Even if you think the kids can’t hear you, they often do and experience extreme distress when parents’ talk badly to them or around them about the other parent. Any business with partners at war is bound to fail. The same is true for fighting coparents. The real losers are the children.
- Practice Good Communication: Share information about the children as soon as possible with the other parent. Be objective and share “the facts”, not your thoughts or beliefs about the situation or the other parent. State the information in a friendly and respectful way, ask for input or feedback if needed to make decisions, and stay on track. One subject per email or message.
3: Have a Solid Parenting Plan In Writing
- As soon as possible after deciding to separate, put together a reasonable parenting plan so everyone, including the children, know what to expect.
- Be realistic about what each of you are able to do. Expecting 50-50 may not be reasonable if you have yet to find a place to live, have not secured child care, or have other barriers. Give yourself and the kids time to adjust. If you’re worried that not having 50-50 right away will mean that “status quo” will prevail, state in the Parenting Plan that this is temporary and have a date to renegotiate once everyone is on more solid ground.
- Do not create an interim or short term parenting plan based on finances. (FYI: 50/50 does not mean no child support!) Finances can be addressed later. This is for the children.
- The less you’re getting along with your ex, the tighter the plan should be. Reasonable can come later. Conflict escalates when things are not clear. Be specific. The children are with Parent A from when to when. They are with Parent B from when to when. Who is driving? Where is pick up and drop off? What happens when little Joey is sick?
- If you’re in a reasonable relationship with your ex, you can have more flexibility. You may be able to swap days, have your ex as back up child care, etc., than if there is high conflict. You may think you don’t need a Parenting Plan, but the kids do. This is a time of huge uncertainty. The more kids know what to expect, the better they adjust.
4: Get Help
- Seek help to manage your own emotions and adjustment to a new way of living. Get counselling with someone that can support your feelings and understands the separation and divorce process.
- Consider coparenting counselling. You can begin counselling at any time during the separation process. In the beginning it may be helpful to work with a professional who can help with things like how to talk to the children, creating a short term parenting plan, and learning to work together as coparents. If things are escalating, or one parent is “high conflict”, get support from a therapist who knows how to assist in managing conflict.
- Seek informal support carefully. Choose one or two close friends who can support you through this difficult time. You will need to choose your tribe. It needs to be tight. The more people you’re sharing with, the more risk you risk having children overhear conversations or being drawn into the conflict. Keep those conversations away from the kids completely.
- Speak with Professionals Involved with the Children Away from the Children: Doctors, teachers, daycare providers, specialists need to know that things have changed. If the children are with you stick to the facts. “Just wanted to let you know that X and I have separated.” You can provide contact information for you and the other parent and stop there. If you have concerns about the other parent, share those privately. Ask for the professional to set up a few moments to chat with you when the children are not present. Be careful not to draw professionals into the conflict.
If you’re struggling to sort things out or can’t figure out how to establish a coparenting relationship that keeps the kids’ best interests at the centre of things, we can help. We provide support for struggle parents, high conflict coparents, or court involved families at every stage of separation. Yes, even if you’ve been fighting for years in the court system. Get in touch with us and let us help you and your children find some peace.
